nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
