so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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