I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
