Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
