I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
