dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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