How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
