Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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