be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
