then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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