He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize