When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
