Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
