I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
