just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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