why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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