I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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