I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
