i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's never too late to be topless.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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