dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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