I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
