So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
