she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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