I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
