I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
