As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You ate ashes out of my bong
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
