So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
