Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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