Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Someone shit on the floor
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
