i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
