my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
