Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
