now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
