Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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