see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
