we're blogging at a bar
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
