I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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