Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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