My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
