Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My vagina just recognized that song.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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