apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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