my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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