Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
