peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize