and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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