I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
