hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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