Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
