saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize