woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
