I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
