You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
