Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize