dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
