I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
