I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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