Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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