The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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