I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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