I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
