are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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